I (21f) have known about my father’s (56M) affair with Amanda (48F) for over a year and a half now. It was recently just confirmed with small clues here and there. The confirmation was a picture of a check written out to the apartment complex she lives in for $2,300 from my father, confirming the suspicion of him paying her rent.
My parents don’t struggle with money, which is why the rent thing matters. My dad owns a commercial generator business at one of the largest ports in the US, in other words, a busy, wealthy man. The suspicion started in July of 2023 when my brother, mother, myself and (now) SIL went on a vacation to a family home across the country where my brother proposed. The night we got there, no one could reach my father, I asked my sister to call and see if he was all good, after several attempts to try and reach him by phone, my sister started to freak out.
We called local hospitals close to literally anywhere we thought he could be, started listening to local police radio to listen for a possible accident involving my father’s car, had a friend go check the house even though our ring camera showed his car gone. Nothing. So my sister and her (now ex) husband went to my parents house to look through his iPad to see if there’s any work emails or texts about his possible whereabouts, they didn’t find anything of that sort, just a dating site. His first name was the same, along with his age, his last name was different but not by much. He has an extremely generic and common first name so I guess he didn’t think anyone would suspect him, but now my sister knows.
For a while, all my sister knew about was a dating site, until she got upset at the fact that my father forgot my mothers birthday and told me about it thinking he was possibly with another woman. it’s important to mention that he has 2 phones, work and personal phone I decide if I’m going to even think about the possibility that the man I worshipped growing up is cheating on his wife of 30+ years, then I should better have some solid proof.
Now I’m questioning everything, every work call, every business trip, every doctors appointment, every late night at the port, every golf trip, all of it. One in particular was the “chiropractor”, the chiropractor does exist, my dad has always had a bad shoulder and started seeing a chiropractor about 20 minutes from his work a couple days a week, until the chiropractor closed his office and eventually moved to a small gym in Gaithersburg, MD. which is 2 hours away from where my parents live and an hour from his work Then started the little lies, “inventory”, “last minute port call”, forgetting his 31st wedding anniversary.
He also always claimed his location services “just don’t work” on his work phone, rendering Life360 useless. What do you know? I managed to get the location on his work phone through Find My iPhone, sent myself his location, deleted the message, went about my night. It worked for months. I collected dozens of screenshots of his location when he told either myself or my mother or any of my siblings that he was at one place but really in Gaithersburg. That’s when I started getting more vocal about my opinions, I told my mother that I thought he was cheating on her, coincidentally, that same night I mentioned this, his location on find my iPhone got shut off.
I was there one day spending the night since I was going on a small trip with my mother in the morning, I went through his email on his iPad, that’s how I learned her name. There were emails between the two from December of 2023 telling each other they love and miss one another and can’t wait to see the other. Gag. Most of you know how Apple works, if the same iCloud is connected to two different devices, photos transfer if certain settings are left alone, being not-so technologically advanced, he didn’t know all his pictures from his personal phone, transferred onto his iPad, sure he deleted them, but not from his recently deleted. His iMessage wasn’t logged in on his iPad, so we couldn’t use that.
My sister looked up her name on our states public website only to find that she’s been to court almost a dozen times for failure to pay rent at least 3 times a year since 2022, which has since stopped since my father is paying her rent. Now, I don’t believe he met her on the dating site, I believe she worked at the gym the chiropractor went to, given after I found her Facebook to see how great of shape a 48 year old woman was in, blonde, beautiful, abbs, low rise jeans, basically all a man could want.
In August of 2023, before I knew all this, I got a tattoo for my dad and I, it’s a little hand holding the pinky finger of a bigger hand, symbolizing my relationship with my dad. Until he learned about it and a stopped talking to me. That broke something in me. He was my friend, not just my dad, he’d come have lunch with me before I went to work 3-4 times a week, we’d go to the driving range on weekends from time to time, I’d practice just to be able to show him how I’d improved. I was always told I’m most like my father, my mannerisms, my attitude, my personality. All him. That’s what started my digging.
Now that context is out of the way, on to Christmas. Christmas Day, my mother got my father several things, we’re not a -one person opens the gift while everyone else watches- family, everyone gets one and we all open at the same time, my siblings and I all got my mother something or several things, my father got her nothing. NOTHING. Watching her face fall and her forced smile showing as she continues to open gifts without my father’s name on it just seriously broke my heart. I wish I could say it was the first time but he’s notorious for forgetting things, anniversaries, holidays, Mother’s Day, her birthday, unless one of my siblings or I reminds him, she gets nothing, no flowers, no card, nothing.
A couple weeks ago, I texted my dad and asked why he didn’t get her anything, I got back that he “just forgot”. When you tell me you “just forgot” about getting a single Christmas gift for my mother, I don’t take it well. I asked why he didn’t just ask one of us to grab something for her or pick something out and ask one of us to get it if he didn’t have time, but it was met with:
“I don’t know what l’m doing anymore. I’m being pulled in a million directions at once all the time with everybody and everything. I’m not making excuses. Your mother and I are not the same people once were.”
I respond with:
“I know a lot more about your situation than you might think dad. No one is trying to pressure you or add to your plate, but she’s still your wife, I would’ve helped you get something for her if you’d just ask, I know you’re busy, but mom doesn’t deserve to be forgotten about”
Clearly a little shocked he responds with:
“Then tell me what you think you know”
I say:
“I’m not interested in knowing the truth. I have to separate you from being a father and a husband, you’re not my husband so it’s not my business.”
He responds:
“then mind your own business”
At this point I’ll say I was mainly just annoyed with his idgaf responses and didn’t want to necessarily believe what I knew, I responded with
“Because I asked why you didn’t get your wife a single Christmas present? I’d drop the attitude. She’s my mother along with your wife, I’m allowed to ask why you didn’t get her anything when everyone else did”
My dad:
“You think this is attitude?”
Me:
“Or you can answer the question. Relationships are work. And if you don’t want to work on that then you two shouldn’t be together. You say you two aren’t the people you once were, before children, before life struggles and 4 businesses you guys run together. You can’t expect to get married and everything stay the same. I don’t know about mom, but I know about you. If you’re not happy together, don’t be together, you both deserve better than that. This is your first time through life as it is mine, things change, but the people who’ve stuck by your side throughout it are the people who love you.”
My dad:
“That’s enough preaching”
Me:
“Preaching? You really couldn’t care less couldn’t you?”
My dad:
“Are you done?”
Me:
“Sure, I’m done trying to save my parents 30+ years of marriage.” He liked the message.
We didn’t speak much after that, we only started speaking recently when my car broke down for the millionth time again. I love my mom so I try to go see her from time to time but try to avoid him, my mom sees and feels the tension and has tried to mend it on several occasions. She’s under the impression that we’re still bumping heads over him not talking to me after finding out about my tattoo even though she’s aware how I feel about his actions towards her, if only she knew.
Ive resorted to separating him as a father versus a husband, he’s not my husband therefore, it’s not my business, but she’s still my mother and I’m having the worst time trying to ignore it. I’ve asked my mom before that even if he was cheating, would she want to know? And she said no, so I’ve left it at that. It’s eating at me, my mom moved here permanently for him, 3,000+ miles away from her family, she gave up her family to start one with him, so I feel he owes her the bare minimum of loyalty. My entire perception of love is gone, I’m so lost.
Semi Update:
My sister texted me yesterday after she went through my dads recently deleted again, she found a screenshot of messages between my father and Amanda, they are as follows
Amanda:
“This is the 3rd birthday that l’ve been with you and nothing has changed So I guess when you say you change to avoid upsetting someone I’m the exception It’s very depressing to not be cherished by you when I cherish you”
My dad:
“I don’t know how you can even say that”
Amanda:
“You are bound to someone else and then you get upset when I bring it up How would you feel if I were married and went home every night to my house I share with him And then what if I got upset every time you mentioned it”
My dad:
“I would feel exactly the way you do I carry that pain constantly”
I guess she’s getting antsy. This also leaves me with a question, why did he screenshot this? Was it him who did? Or someone else? It makes no sense why he’d screenshot his own messages between the two of them, especially knowing she was something he’s keeping hidden. It also gives us a more accurate and much longer timeline than we thought.
